When should my child meet a new man?
(You'll read both single mum and single mom as we have readers in several countries.)
I am the single mother of a 4 year old daughter. I have recently started to date a new man, but I am worried my little girl will have issues with sharing me with another person. I am wondering if you can advise what is the best way for a single mum to introduce a new date to my daughter and when is an appropriate time for me to do so?
There is no hurry, just when you feel comfortable with the situation introduce a new man to your daughter as a "friend." Friendship is not only the basis of a good partnership or marriage, but also something that your child will understand! Only some new friendships develop into anything long term, but good ones continue to grow. You are not clairvoyant, so just go with the flow in the here and now and see what happens. This will be best for you, your child and the potential partner. Overall there is no specific time frame for a new mom to introduce a new man in her life. It is important that your daughter understands that you need adult friends of both gender in the same way that your she has her friends at nursery, kinder or toddler group, she will understand that you need friendships, too. The term 'friend' will give her the sense that it is not a matter of competition, so jealousy is avoided from the start. Secondly it is important for a single mom to maintain 'boundaries' during the early stages of the dating process in order to protect her child from getting attached to someone who may not be around for the long term. It isn't the specific amount of time, but the nature of the commitment that develops between you and a boyfriend that should determine the relationship between your child and a potential partner. A single mum's dating life should be kept relatively separate from her family life until she knows someone well enough to feel they would be a good friend to her child. Introduce them slowly with activities that involve the child such as going to the park, beach or a movie. Wait until there is a definite commitment to the relationship and possibly even the potential for marriage before assigning any parental responsibilities to a new boyfriend, or considering deepening his involvement with your daughter. Definitely, try to answer any of your child's questions as honestly as you can. Eg, one single mom had been dating a guy for six months. The relationship developed into a committed boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. The boyfriend became very familiar with her three-year-old son and they really liked each other. They had been to the zoo, the museum, the park and read books together and even had breakfast together. One day, when her son wanted to play his Nintendo DS between bites, his mother was explaining to him about the importance of sitting down to dinner and eating together without reading or playing. She told him that family members are special to each other and having meals together was a special time for families. The boy took this chance to ask his mother if her boyfriend was a part of their family. She gently said "no," he was a very good family friend, and manners with friends was very important as well. This single mum's answer defined the boundaries for her child. She avoided setting up false expectations for her child by confusing friendship and family, even though her son and boyfriend were clearly beginning to develop a bond. When, and if her boyfriend and she do commit to marriage or some form of permanency, he would then be invited into the family with responsibilities and expectations for a full family member. Obviously, friendships are important, but it is vital that you protect your child from getting overly involved with men who may appear as caring parental figures to a child only to disappear later. If there is any doubt, always err on the side of caution. This is some very wise advice recounted as given to a single mother friend of mine. I guess the only thing I would add is that for same sex female parents, the term new woman should be used synonymously with 'new man', as in any parent/ child relationship the same issues will arise.
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